#crowned

I feel the energy from here
Don’t deny it, it’s contagious
People I thought would stay near
Have walked away, it’s outrageous
See the universe made it clear
I’m a leader, I’m courageous
I don’t really need the fear
Just to walk in my greatness
So I broke down in tears
All those times I was aimless
Looking to be healed
Now I walk around shameless
My fate has been sealed
It took a year of being brazen
I stepped out of my fear
Hit that glow like an empress

note to self: stop looking for love in empty vessels

I’m angry. Disappointed. Disillusioned. People have been showing me their true colors, and I highly dislike what I’m seeing.

When I decided to start my blog back in January, I wrote about topics that kept me comfortable. I was keeping others comfortable too. I stayed away from topics that were difficult to read about.

That was until I came out to the world as bisexual via my blog. Then there was Rock Bottom, which is where I shared for the first time about my struggle with suicidal thoughts. Then I wrote about my sexuality againthis time reclaiming my identity as bisexual for anyone who tried to label me otherwise.

I wrote about open relationships. I wrote about being a survivor of sexual assault.

The point is, I did what a lot of people in my life have not been able to do just yet:

I took a look in the fucking mirror.

I took a look at myself, and I decided to embrace all the ugly shit so that I could turn it into beauty. I decided to stop being a victim of circumstance and to learn to let go. Let go of pain and hurt. Let go of shit that does not move me forward, stimulate me, or inspire me. I let go of shit that drains my soul, and I also let go of my expectations of what life should look like so that I could walk in my purpose. I let go of other people’s expectations for my life while I was at it.

I did not realize how many people close to me (family and close friends) were uncomfortable with who they were. It’s no wonder that my biggest supporters, at the moment, are people who I have met within the past six months. See, these people were already on the same journey I had embarked on. And I’m not saying those people are perfect or any better than the people I grew up around. It just means we are bonded by our journey, by the walk of life we have stepped into.

You always know when people are jealous or envious of where you are in life. I definitely knew, but I was in denial. I didn’t want to believe that the people in whom I put the most trust could let me down.

I was mistaken. People who are letting themselves down will let you down too.

I know a lot more than what I let on. I can sense every single emotion: avoidance, jealousy, envy, resentment, lack of understanding, confusion, hopelessness, etc.

I can sense when I am telling somebody about my life struggle and they are indifferent. I can sense when people are so deep in their own holes, that they can’t possibly provide me the guidance, support, love, and assurance I am looking for.

This week, I am learning to stop looking for love where it can’t be found. I am learning to stop seeking validation for what I am doing, because ALL of the validation I could possibly need is provided by the universe and its infinite signs that I am on the right path.

It all boils down to this:

If you don’t love yourself, or your journey, or the struggle that you went through, you can’t possibly respect or support what I am doing. Not because you don’t want to, or because you don’t love me, but simply because you are not loving yourself.

 

I am walking away in the meantime.

Love, light, and infinite blessings–

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take a look inside. are you living in denial?

Take a look deep within yourself.

What do you hide from others? What stands between you and other people? What judgments or separations do you hold that no longer work for your life?

Are you living in truth?

All of your truth?

Oh, of course not. This is a process for us all. I know because I’m beginning to unpack the ways in which I hide myself from the world. However, in order to be pure light, you need to see what hides in the shadows.

And it needs to come out.

The truth that sits there and hurts to face is usually the same truth those in your close circle are dealing with. When you begin to deconstruct the frameworks that do not serve your life, those around you are healed by your example.

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Finding the answer to that question is never a pretty process, so get ready for a ride if this is you.

ALL TRUTHS MUST COME OUT IN ORDER FOR YOU TO TRANSITION INTO THE NEXT, AND BEST, PART OF YOUR LIFE.

 

*If you find yourself wanting to close this down right now, DO NOT listen to that voice. That is the part of you that is looking to keep you away from your truth. Say to yourself: “I am guided, guarded, and protected. I am open to truth. I am open to change and transformation.*

We don’t have to talk about your truth just yet. Here’s mine…


We all have vices. I’ve come forward about mine because:

A) I’m sick of it being a vice

B) I have huge things ahead in my career and every distraction needs to go

This past week, I shared two poems. One in which I was deciding to end my attachment to marijuana, and the other in which I embraced the other side so that I could be kinder to myself throughout this process.

This shit has not been easy, sway. 

Anybody that smokes marijuana knows that smoking helps with inducing appetite, pain relief, coping with stress, as well as reducing nausea. That is because of the way that the chemical in marijuana, THC, bonds with the cells in our brain.

Cool. 

So now that I’ve cut down, I’m having issues eating the way I normally would, as well as fighting the nausea that comes with having an extremely sensitive stomach. This is especially true as my body rejects any food that isn’t vegan. Soon, being vegan won’t be a choice for me.

Anyway, it means I am detaching from literally all the shit I normally use as a crutch to run from my feelings–all at once, at that.

After 3.5 years of sleeping with my partner most of the time, I am back home with my family. After 9 years of smoking, I am finally cutting down. After 9 years drinking, I am finally done for good. After a lifetime of eating unhealthy, I am detaching from the food that my body doesn’t like.

My higher self is trynna show out–all the way. She is out here trynna flourish. Who am I to stop her?

What, because I’m scared? Scared of success? Scared of what would happen if I embrace all my gifts and talents? Scared of what happens if I deconstruct every lie I told myself as to why my success should wait?

Those aren’t good enough reasons to hold on to all of that. So I decided to sprinkle my life with sauce. Divine sauce. I decided to pray all my worries away, and I fasted several times for clear answers from spirit. I sacrificed luxuries so I could get to know my needs, and I released everything else that kept me from focusing on what was important.

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God is working in my life in some crazy ways. The people around me are letting go of the ways that don’t serve them. The false truths they hold on to. The facades they create in order to appease the lower versions of themselves, as well as to please others.

It just so happens that when you judge, you are afraid of being judged. When someone is standing in their truth, and it bothers you, it’s because you aren’t. When someone calls you directly on your truth and you decide to go off on them about why you think their truth doesn’t work, it’s because you are feeling uncomfortable with your own truth and aren’t willing to sit with it.

When we are in denial of what stands in the way of success, we are envious of those who are taking the steps to get there.

I remember when I used to hate on Cardi B. I used to think, “How can she have all this success? She is so ratchet!”

The inner me was saying:

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I’m ratchet, she’s ratchet. We both are. The only difference is I have $50k in debt and she is getting money by being true to who she is.

Talk about the beginning of a reality check. That was two years ago. Today, I love Cardi and that’s because I finally learned to love myself and embrace people who are also loving themselves. Unapologetically.  

During the week that I spent away from my beloved Mary Jane, I obtained a grand level of clarity. I became clear about my goals, dreams, aspirations. I unpacked which expectations I placed on myself that weren’t working. I tried to reanalyze every plan I had made for the next year–I asked, which of these things can I do on my own or with free resources?

The first thing that came to my mind was moving forward with one of my writing projects. I realize I had been slacking because I felt I wasn’t equipped to take that step. I quickly learned that wasn’t the case–I am prepared to go beyond blogging, and I will be revealing what this next step is very soon (so sign up for my email list to catch it!)

Then, more truths were revealed. And this time, not mine. Other people around me started to realize the shit in their lives that wasn’t working.

When you begin to stand in the light of your truth, beware: you are going to invoke emotions in others that they did not want to come to face.

You may become the victim of an attack of jealousy, envy, and ego. I have heard of people who throw entire hexes on people who are trying to walk in their purpose and truth, all because they are too scared to do what they need to for their own success and happiness. 

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Have you ever heard those angry people who have dreams that they never accomplished? Do you hear what they say when you tell them your dreams? Can you feel the energy that comes with dry congratulations and the dip in the conversation after you were so uplifted and excited?

Those people are usually the same ones saying that people are stealing their ideas or criticizing the means by which others are chasing their dreams. How can someone steal your idea? If it is your idea, it will only come to pass when you do it. How can that happen if no one knows every single thing about you and your experience? Aside from that, if you are out there executing your idea, does it really matter to you who stole what?

Nope.

A focused and clear mind isn’t thinking about shit like that.

In fact, the spirit of collaboration resides within those who are looking to make their dreams come true. A person who is looking to progress will create partnerships that serve their goals.

Stay clear on who you are so that you can reap the benefits that come of all your talents. Stand in your truth.

The truth is, THE UNIVERSE will call you out 30 different ways about the ways in which you are sleeping on yourself. Honesty is the beginning of a transformative, healing, and deep self-love journey. Forgiving yourself for being distracted to begin with is the first part.

I wish you all infinite love, light, and prosperity. This process is not easy, but I know we can all get through.


DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

Please feel free to engage below in the comments!

Which vices are you looking to fight? What makes it difficult for you to stand in your truth? Are you ashamed of who you truly are? Are you afraid that others will judge you? Do people hold expectations for your life that you do not agree with? In which ways are you compromising your happiness to please others?

Mary Jane: My lungs are no longer your home, Pt. 2

I may slip and I may fall
At the end I still stand tall
I have faith, I have truth
I have sauce to help the youth
I am learning, I am growing
I am steady, I am flowing
I am weak, I am strong
I am right, I am wrong

So today I remove the pressure
Cause MJ was a guilty pleasure
Being kind to myself, while taking the steps
To build my career and ensure my success

I may have slipped twice but I didn’t fall
I’m here today, I’m standing tall
I’m made by both my strengths and my faults
And I’m not ashamed of the other half at all

Mary Jane: My lungs are no longer your home.

Cold and lonely
My mind a maze
Looking for relief
My vision a daze
I can’t quite get it
Everyday I’m amazed
The way that growth comes
When you’re so unfazed
By the distractions around you
It was all a phase
The pressure to build you
While your shadow’s ablaze
Running from feelings
So you cop that haze
And that shit ain’t enough
You keep up this game
“Sour, power, take me higher–
I can’t feel the pain
Kush, so sweet, I feel lighter”
…But sick of the shame
That came with being a smoker
Can a bitch just blaze?
I’m trynna escape my head
And get out of this maze
When I finally rose
Woke up from this haze
Decided I am no longer
Setting my feelings aflame
I can’t hide behind smoke
I’ve put an end to this game
Of being scared of success
Need to remember the aim
I’m Marielle Montero
I’m not here for the fame
I’m here to change the world
There’s blessings in my name
With my third eye leading me
There’s no other way
Now that I’m so sure
I’ll never fucking stray
This pathway so hard
But so is being a slave
To the conditions around you
So wake up and smell the roses
Your new life.. Is a thought away

guilt-free growth: cutting people off is an act of self love

I’ve talked a lot about the never-ending task of evaluating your inner circle and moving away from funny shit. I talk a lot about cutting people off, but I don’t ever get into the why. I know that one of my more recent pieces must have left people wondering, “How the fuck do you cut off 20 people?”

“Why would you cut off so many people anyway?”

Shit, I was about to start asking myself the same. Like, can I bring some of these people back? What’d I just do?

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Then, something hit me the other day. I was reading a Twitter thread about how you can’t ask the universe for blessings and then be mad when the distractions are removed.

The fact is, that when you are growing, learning, and evolving, you are shedding a version of you that no longer fits the storyline. You are the writer of your story, and you gotta be cool with a change in characters if you want to stick to the plot, right?

Sounds simple enough.

Except it isn’t. It’s emotionally grueling. It is a lonely ass process, and it will really leave you wondering what the fuck you did wrong for a moment.

Damn, I got nobody.

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We’ve all experienced this emotion. I know that for a fact, because I know that we all have been through transitions and changes in life. I know all of us have moved on from one thing to the next wondering whether we would make new friends or meet new people.

At the core, what we all want is connection.

We want to talk to people who understand us. People who we can relate to. We want people we can hang out with. We want people who we can just be ourselves around. We want friends who allow us to bask in our light. We want to hone our light, and share it with others.

We need friends who can be honest without being too cold, we need friends who know when our soul needs gentle advice or when we need to hear a NY-style flame session for our latest episode of self-sabotage. We need friends we can cry to on the phone, or when shit goes left out of nowhere. We need friends we can call without texting first. We need friends we can sit with in silence.

We need friends we can be 100% real with. We need friends we can tell our deepest fears and biggest dreams to. We need friends who view us as the amazing individuals that we are. We need friends who will grow with us. We need friends who will challenge us to aspire for more, and never settle for less. We need friends that empower.

It’s been refreshing to view friendship in a new light altogether. I used to view the way people treated me as a reflection of who I was, which is why I was always so fucked up every time I felt “betrayed” or “offended.”

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But then I learned that the way people treat me isn’t a reflection of me, but of themselves. How many people walk into McDonalds or another fast food restaurant and jump right into their order while the person greets them? Does that mean every fast food joint’s customer service is wack? No. It means people don’t always know what to do with a smile and a cheerful greeting. Just because you are happy, or vibrant, or positive, or trying to change your life doesn’t mean the people around you at the moment match that vibration. And they don’t have to–their time will come.

There are people who have been loved in toxic ways their whole lives. They may not know how to give the love that they receive. They may not know how to encourage you, because they haven’t been cheered on. They may not know how to empower you, because they feel powerless. They may want to control what you do, because growing up, they learned that love is control. The point is: people can only love you the best way they know, and unfortunately, there are times when we simply need more. We cannot settle. Our entire lives and futures depend upon it.

Everyone knows that moving on from people you’ve been close to is hard as fuck. It’ll make you feel guilty and relieved, sad and happy, angry and accepting. But it’s also an act of love. It’s saying, “you are not being the best version of yourself. I know it and I am walking away from this in order to be the best version of my self.”

So, to anyone who I “cut off,” here are some words from the heart:

I love you. In fact, I love you more from the distance than I ever did while I was near. While I was near, I acted like I needed to save you. From afar, I can see you do not need saving. I can see you are whole on your own. I can see that you are divine, and will find your way to the truth and light. 

Walking away from someone doesn’t mean they aren’t worthy. It just means the lesson, chapter, or cycle is complete. It means you love yourself enough to recognize what serves you and what doesn’t. What you need, and what you don’t. Who you are, and who you are not.

Featured Image: Nancy Rourke, “Friends”

kevin hart: is there a target on his back…. or is he self-destructive?

Ahh, man. So many feels.

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Bro, I love Kevin Hart. Like really fucking do.

Yesterday, Kevin Hart shared a video apologizing to his wife (as well as his children and fans) about the fact that he cheated on her. This is all happening while Eniko, his wife, is 7 months pregnant with his child.

To make matters worse for Kevin,  his ex-wife and the mother of his child came out in an interview talking about how Kevin Hart cheated on her, and touted it in his stand-up comedy for years while she moved on, rebuilt her life, and started a hair line called Heavenly Hart.

I went to see him live in Albany at the Times Union back in 2012, if I’m not mistaken. I’d never laughed harder in my life. In fact, Kevin Hart brought so many laughs to my life during very dark times when I was depressed, so I dead ass appreciate him in ways I can’t even express.

His persistence throughout his career is so evident. He is a man of vision, creation, motivation, humor, honesty, and rawness. He’s into fitness, movie production, acting, and much more. You could definitely say Kevin Hart has hit a height in his career… which is why he believes there is a target on his back.

Fair. Reasonable. It works…

Except for this part:

Can we all agree that Kevin Hart is suffering from lack of self awareness?

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Is he looking at just the parts of himself he wants to acknowledge–the success, and the hate that comes with it?

Now, I don’t blame the man for feeling targeted. He definitely is. I am not about to sit here and quote all the rumors I’ve heard about the person extorting him, but it’s bad.

The thing is, no matter what part of your career you are at, you have to be doing the inner work. And if you’re not, the turmoil will catch up to you. Nothing stays a secret. You’re always better off working on the inner side just as much as the outer–otherwise, there will be imbalance. Lies. Secrets. Hidden agendas..

His wife must be disappointed. His ex-wife doesn’t seem surprised. His kids must be fucking crushed.

And his fans?

A hot old mess:

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Self-worth issues are definitely at the root of infidelity. Self-confidence. Self-esteem. Self-assurance.

Cheating is self-sabotage. The easy way out for a person who doesn’t feel worthy of being in a happy relationship or marriage. 

In order to truly be happy, you need to figure out which are the issues that lay at the root of this behavior. Kevin Hart had hit a high in his life. Besides his accomplishments in Hollywood, there was this:

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So how did he end up here?

By doing the same old shit. By cheating AGAIN, this time getting publicly smeared. The worst part? It seems very likely that he would not have confessed if not for the extortion and threats. My sister, Sheela Rodriguez (@sophroga on IG), put it perfectly:

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We cannot normalize cheating.

Either heal through those issues or pick a relationship style that suits you. But it’s 2017… cheating is just not okay. And should not continue to be normalized. In fact, cheating counts as one of many behaviors that are considered to be abusive.

We need to do better, as a society. Stay true to yourself, work through old baggage, stay single while you’re healing if it means you can’t stop hurting the person you’re with, and find a way to learn to love yourself so that you can be the best version of YOU.