I have had a hell of a fucking year.
After a bitter and long fight against depression, anxiety, and PTSD, I was knocked out for the year by a bit of news I received in November. Although I still can’t share them, let’s just say my life is going to be very different from now on.
I thought to myself, “how does life just keep doing this to me?”
It was a frustrating year for me because every time I felt I was mastering a phase of my life, I was catapulted into the next by the universe. I thought to myself, “can I master something before I’m forced into the next thing?”
See, the thing is, sometimes, you cannot see all of your potential. You can’t see all of your growth. You can’t see all your greatness because… let’s admit it, sometimes we get stuck feeling down about how the changes in our lives happened instead of embracing the next step. We fail to see the why.
And that’s exactly what was going on with me. I couldn’t hold any appreciation for my struggles just yet… I was bitter.
I was bitter towards myself, family, and even some friends. I was holding on to grudges and becoming resentful. In the process of trying to heal through past pains and traumas, I became the pain. I became my own worst enemy, because I reminded myself of it all on a daily basis. And I refused to forgive people, thinking it would make me soft, something I was done being for people who would not appreciate it.
I forgot that forgiveness was for me, not for them. I forgot to keep loving even when I felt angry or offended. I forgot if you hold on to those fragments of people, you also keep the burden on your shoulders.
I forgot to let go.
I didn’t want to keep living my life repeating cycles. It felt like being a 16 year old trapped in my 24 year old body. Situations that kept repeating themselves came under my personal microscope: I asked myself, “why am I going through this again? What did I not learn last time?”
It’s been a two-month long stare into the mirror. I got answers to some of my ego’s most pressing questions:
Why did people “wrong” me?
Because I wasn’t being there for myself.
Why did I put trust in people who betrayed me?
Because I wasn’t trusting my own intuition.
Why did I keep getting disappointed?
Because I kept holding on to unrealistic expectations.
Why was I so unsatisfied with my life?
Because I was too fearful about the future to go after my goals with more passion and drive.
I know what you (might) be thinking… “Marielle, are you blaming yourself for everything that happened to you?”
Not at all. I am taking accountability for my own role in the year that I had. If I can come up with nearly ten blog pieces about how other people had me fucked up, I can certainly sit with myself long enough to figure out how I had myself fucked up. What I mean by all the above is simple:
I was not seeing my worth.
I was watering myself down all the time, because I didn’t wanna shine too bright. I didn’t want to make people feel small. In the process, I made myself small. I didn’t give myself enough credit. I didn’t truly believe in my craft. I couldn’t see how my life story would turn around in time…
I was not seeing that I am an amazing, multifaceted, talented, driven, ambitious, and loving individual who is going places in life. I was forgetting that I am not perfect, and that it’s okay to make mistakes.
I was not remembering that the trials and tribulations I went through do not make me who I am–my resilience and will to forgive and continue to love, in spite of the pain, make me who I am.
I forgot that, at my core, I am a force to be reckoned with. A powerful leader and an amazing woman. And what makes me so amazing is that I am both sensitive and firm. I am both sarcastic and witty. I am intelligent and also clueless at times. I am the calm in the eye of the storm and I am a destructive ball of fire when I’m angry. I am not perfect in any way, shape, or form and now I have finally learned to embrace that.
The peace that comes with that is the greatest gift I have received this year. Nothing surpasses the feeling of being okay with everything that comes, knowing it’s only for the best.
The best gifts in life are priceless.
Happy Holidays to you all!