I’ve been doing this blogging thing for close to a year. It’s been an incredibly rewarding time so far. I have been able to witness and share my growth as a writer and entrepreneur.
I’ve made serious strides with my mental health. I am free of suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, and flashbacks. My PTSD symptoms have fallen to the wayside for the most part. I still experience symptoms of both anxiety and depression, but they’re certainly more manageable and my family/friends have been more understanding about what to do when I do slip back into a rut.
So, do I have it all figured out? No.
But I’m happy.
I’m happier than I have ever been in my entire life. I’m so grateful for every single little thing that’s happened along this journey.
And at the same time, I’m sad too. I’m sad as fuck. I’m so sad I could actually cry some times. Here’s the thing:
I WAS NEVER EVER THE TYPE OF PERSON TO CUT PEOPLE OFF. I was convinced I’d live my whole life catering to other people’s needs. In fact, I had such major self worth issues that I didn’t consider myself a worthy enough person to *not* have to help with every little thing. In short, I used to do three much. Yes, three.
There are people who will watch you pour your entire being into sharing happiness and success with them, and they’ll kick you down to the ground with their antics.
Their insecurity, fear, envy, jealousy, and hatred of self will not allow them to support and love you wholesomely.
Like I’ve said before, some people weren’t raised on love. They were raised on survival. They were raised on suppressing emotions and gender roles. They were raised being taught you had to keep your head down and work.
These people don’t wanna hear about your shmoney moves. They don’t wanna see you win. They don’t wanna see you shine.
Not because they don’t love you–but because they don’t fully love themselves just yet.
In essence, what I’m saying here is:
There is no such thing as cutting people off. People will arrive to your life party loaded with ammunition to kill all your fun, hopes, and dreams. Once someone does that, it isn’t just your right to walk away: it’s what you MUST do. Not just for your sanity and happiness, but also for your growth and self-esteem. You gotta scream to the universe: NA. I DESERVE BETTER TREATMENT.
AND you’ll see.. there’s no reason to be sad or guilty over cutting people off when they handed you the scissors.
I have no regrets. I have no grudges to hold. I still send love from afar to the people who aren’t in my life anymore. I simply won’t apologize for doing what I had to do to get to where I am today. My success is a product of a strong intuition and a renewed level of mastery and skill in my work. I owe it to my consistency and dedication, even when I was depressed and suicidal. I owe it to the nights I cried and heaved in pain knowing I wasn’t walking in my purpose. I owe it to MYSELF to enjoy this time.
There was a time in my life when I simply couldn’t say NO. I couldn’t set boundaries with people. I couldn’t explain why I felt so strongly about my life choices, and I’d get stuck listening to someone’s advice knowing I wasn’t going to take it. I couldn’t stand up for myself as an employee, so I went months suppressing major mental health issues, as well as physical symptoms of anxiety such as chest pain, vomit, nausea, vertigo, eye twitches, and more.
I was a shell of a person simply existing. I wasn’t living.
So now that I am, please understand: it had to happen this way. I needed this progress and stability. I needed less drama and distractions. Less funny vibes.
More love. More growth. More success. And more unapologetically using that scissor people walk around with to cut themselves off…
Love, light, and blessings-